My Experience With Naija Police Part 3
Sensation, KFC, Biggs and I were sandwiched again at the back, I sat on KFC’s laps while Biggs sat on Sensation’s, the ride to the station was a precarious one, the van was quite old and accommodating 8 persons was like a stretch for it, it was like there were invisible pairs
of hands holding the van at both sides preventing it from tumbling, or
probably the van was used to it, the roads were quite bad, and we kept on falling into portholes and ditches, thankfully we got to the station without actually falling off or anything, I was grateful to the imaginery hands. The station was an eyesore; there was this unpleasant ambience, everywhere smelled of crime. The security room positioned at the gate laid derilict, it was empty, dirty and ugly, the compound was quite spacious and was carpeted with grass, kudos to the police officers who were off fighting crime and trying to restore order and peace while ignoring their environmental hygiene.
The crooked nose officer drove the car into the compound and parked
close to a kiosk with a sign post that read “Administrative office”
nailed to the door post; there was this heavy stench of urine emanating from that kiosk environment, administrative office indeed.
The stained teeth officer opened the door, ordering us all to get down as he unzipped his khaki to take a piss close to the kiosk, releasing warm liquid of corruption. There were building debris everywhere, the rain was giving them serious trouble obviously, the vestiges of buildings signalled a red alert, the station could not take anymore, we were marched through a bush path laced with decomposing faeces, passed by a building with a stout policeman in it and a young boy with a rugged jawline, dreadlocks and a black eye, he was handcuffed and seated on the floor, I wondered what this young boy had done, probably his dreadlock was too much and could upset the peace of the state, the older policeman stopped momentarily and exchanged greetings with the stout policeman, after he was done we walked down that path into what looked like a slightly large cubicle with “Anti-crime unit” written on the wall with chalk, this was the anti crime unit department, Nigeria. They took off the cuffs on our hands and asked us to sit behind a desk, the older policeman grabbed a chair and positioned it in front of us, the crooked nose officer had disappeared, it was just the cross-eye officer and the stained teeth officer that were with us. The older police officer brought out his phone as he signalled the cross-eye officer to bring in the “evidence” and place them on the desk before us, he punched some keys on his phone and pressed it to his ears, he was about making a call. This was my first time in a police station, and from the look on Biggs, Sensation and KFC’s face it was their first time too, they were all scared, it was written all over their faces, the officers could read it too because they kept on teasing. The room was sparsely furnished, it contained a bench which were sitting on, a desk, two plastic chairs and a table and desk joined together with chains, the fan stained with black dusk and looked dysfunctional, the room was cold and ugly. The older police officer had finished making his call, the conversation was in his dialect so eavesdropping was useless, he kept the phone in his pocket cleared his throat and started his speech, “we have been hear of boys disturbing and causing wahala in the town, is why we arrest you children. No be say we just come ur hostel to begin dey harrass una, no, it is person that call us to tell us of the disturbing people, they say sand wey no wan go Lagos na yam ee go follow by force, if u no sey u get sand in your garri talk now so I can help una, because if we check una phone and computer and we see anything that dey bad una no go like me o” he said, I wondered If that was an advise, or a threat, surely these men were upto something, mischievious lot, the whole of them. There was no reply from any of us, we were all clean. In the absence of a reply, the older police officer and the others proceeded to searching the “evidence”, they started off with the laptops, fumbling as usual, “wey the remote to on d laptop” the stained teeth officer asked, illiterate!
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The laptop was a tough one for them, not only could they not operate it, there was nothing for them to find there, they dumped the laptops and picked up the phones, this was a tad bit easier for them, we watched on as they went through the phones, I prayed silently that they should hurry, I didn’t know how much of that station I could take anymore, suddenly the cross-eye police officer let out a cryy, and then he bursted into an annoying laughter while showing the phone to the older police officer, saying something to him in their local dialect the older police officer wore a sardonic smile and looked at us, “I first advise una…” So it was an advise, “…sey if any of una get sand for garri make ee talk, God don catch una, who get this phone?”
He asked raising up a Tecno F7, Biggs phone, “sir, its my own” Biggs said, the humbling slap still had its effect, “God don catch u, so u be yahoo yahoo boy?” He asked, “Arrrgh, no sir o, I am not” Biggs was as surprised as I was, I wondered what they had found, “so na dis fone u take dey dupe all dose oyibo people abi? Even naija people”,
“sir I swear I don’t do yahoo yahoo” Biggs voice was breaking now, his eyes were already misty, was he about to cryy? “Are you saying that I dey lie? No be the web site I dey see so, wey you dey use dupe people, OLX.com abi? Na d site wey u create take dey use collect people money” this was unbelievable, these men were illiterates, how could they not know what OLX.com facilitates? They think its a yahoo yahoo site, I was rolling on the floor laughing in mind, “Sir, OLX.com is a recognised site to trade” Biggs tried explaining, I’m sure he was surprised himself, “o you feel sey I nor go school abi?”
He retorted, “you go sleep cell today”. They went on searching but unfortunately for them they found nothing, they moved on to Sensation’s department’s assignment, questioning him thoroughly regarding it. “Is it your concern to have the assignment of the lecturer wey dey lecturing you?” The cross-eye officer asked, stupid question, these men are all stupid. After they had searched the “evidence”, they tore sheets of paper for each of us, asking us to write a statement. This is the tricky part, anything you write can be changed and used against you, I ruminated on what to write, most especially how to write it, I’m going to confuse them with my vocabulary. Biggs and Sensation had started off writing, the officers were dictating to them what to write, “…we catch you and friends smoking in the room, and we arrest you, write am like that” the older police officer dictated, none of us smokes. I picked up the pen and started writing,
“I was apprehended by the roadside for no justifiable cause, charged with offenses that were formulated by the very men that apprehended me, I was commuted to my abode were my bystanders were inculpated for being normal citizens, encapsulated in their van we were transported here. Our rights as patriotic citizens is being infringed for no just cause” that would confuse them.